There are some days I just can’t catch my breath. I look in the mirror and I hardly recognize the woman standing before me. I mean, I know who she is, but is she really living? Is she really doing the things that God wants her to do?
Just as I make up my mind to move on and put writing behind me and just focus on growing my website, I hear messages being preached about doing things to just get by, when all the while you need to step out and do the thing that God has for you to do. At that moment, I can’t breathe anymore.
My breath catches in my throat and I am taken back to the moment that I told God I wanted to write. I am taken back to the moment I quit my job so I could focus on my book. The only problem is that I never focused on that book. My love for making money and finding approval among my peers took over and once again, my writing has taken a back seat.
How long will I allow this to go on? How long will I watch as other people write their books and seek ways to get it published? How long will I stand by and gulp for air when the ONE thing I can be doing is the ONE thing that makes me feel like breathing again?
It’s crazy this up and down feeling I get. I want to cry when I turn my eyes away from my writing. I want to scream at the world to just let me be so I can focus on God and his will for my life.
I’ve done this to myself. I have made myself not be able to breathe. I want to. . .so badly. I want to be that courageous girl who steps out onto the ledge and takes a giant leap not caring who in the world sees me.
But I stand here — trying desperately to catch my breath. I stand here, chest heaving, gulping for any show of air that comes along. I stand here, peering over the edge — seeing my destiny within my grasp, but stepping out will be too much at once. All oxygen at that moment will leave my lungs and I will fall, but I know God will be there to catch me and when He does, he will push me ever so gently towards the ONE thing I want to do more than anything on this earth.
I have to learn to breathe — to let go — and just do it.